


Nothing To Lose

by Warlock_Pirate_Demigod



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, M/M, i don't know how to tag, john must be protected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 15:14:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15318276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warlock_Pirate_Demigod/pseuds/Warlock_Pirate_Demigod
Summary: Satisfied, Story of Tonight Reprise and Wait For It, all from Laurens’ POV because I apparently like to suffer.I’m sorry.No, I’m not.





	1. Satisfied

**Author's Note:**

> Second Hamilton fic but Lams this time because I love both Jamilton and Lams.  
> My Hamilfriend (same from the other fic) helped me check for any mistake.
> 
> This is very sad, I’m sorry (not really).  
> Also, in the lyrics John is talking about the first time he saw Alex, which is not at that ball but we’re gonna ignore it
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy :)

“Alright, alright, that’s what I’m talking about! Now everyone give it up for the maid of honor, Angelica Schuyler!”

John stepped aside to make room for Angelica and joined his friends back at their table, next to Alexander and Eliza’s.

 

“A toast to the groom!” cheered Angelica.

 

“To the groom! To the groom! To the groom!” a choir of voices echoed hers, along with Lafayette’s, Hercules’ and John’s

 

“To the bride!”

 

“To the bride! To the bride! To the bride!”

 

“From your sister!”

 

“Angelica! Angelica! Angelica!”

 

“Who is always by your side!”

 

“By your side! By your side!”

 

“To your union!”

 

“To the union-”

 

“To the revolution!” the three friends added, raising their glasses. Angelica ignored them, while Alex looked at them giggling, and raised his own glass. John made a brief eye contact with him and almost lost his breath. He was beautiful. And married.

 

“And the hope that you provide!”

 

“You provide! You provide!” he didn’t join the others this time. Hope was definitely not what this evening was providing him.

 

“May you always…”

 

“Always!” John closed his eyes for a second.

 

_Be satisfied_

 

A bunch of memories appeared in his mind. One in particular clear as light.

 

_I remember that night, I just might_

_I remember that night, I just might_

_I remember that night, I remember that_

_I remember that night I just might_

_regret that night for the rest of my days_

The four of them had walked to the ball, chatting and laughing as usual. It wasn’t the first time they went to an event like that. It wasn’t fun, but they had to, for the sake of their reputation and all that bullshit.

 

_I remember all those girls_

_Tripping over themselves to win our praise_

_I remember that dreamlike candlelight_

_Like a dream that you can’t quite place_

_But Alexander, I’ll never forget the first time I saw your face_

The band was playing some music and there was a lot of people.

_Lots_ of people.

Enough people to fill a ballroom, and yet Alex was everything that John could see.

Handsome as hell, laughing and flirting, his usual charming self.

And, God, did John fall for him every second harder.

 

_I have never been the same_

_Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pang frame_

 

“Maybe you guys should go dance with someone, people will start talking and, you know, assume things…” Lafayette interrupted John’s train of thought.

He was right, you were supposed to dance with girls at those balls, not make heart eyes at your best friend.

The Frenchman then winked at them and disappeared once again in the crowd, probably looking for Hercules.

Both of them knew about whatever there was between John and Alex, and they didn’t really care. Most importantly, they never said anything to anyone.

They had discovered them by accident, catching them kissing, and agreed to keep their lips sealed. Actually, they kind of liked them being a thing.

 

“He’s right, we should...” Alex trailed off, pointing vaguely at the crowd.

“Yeah, you go, I will in a while.”

 

With that, they parted, Hamilton looking for some girl to charm, which was pretty easy for him, and John to get something to drink. He needed alcohol. Plenty of it.

 

He saw Alex dancing with a girl.

No, not _any_ girl.

Angelica Schuyler.

 

Wow, that was brave.

 

_And when you said “Hi”, I forgot my dang name_

_Set my heart aflame, every part aflame_

_This is not a game..._

 

As he was drinking his first drink of the evening- first of many, he predicted- he happened to hear their conversation.

 

_“You strike me, as a woman who has never been satisfied.”_

_“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, you forget yourself.”_

_“You’re like me. I’m never satisfied.”_

 

John froze on the spot.

 

_“Is that right?”_

_“I’ve never been satisfied.”_

 

He stood there for a solid two minutes, figuring out what he had just heard.

 

Never been satisfied.

_Never been satisfied?_

 

The thing that was between hem, their moments, their... their _love_ , because, come on, let’s call it what it is: _love_ , all the things they had said to each other, everything they shared... didn’t that satisfy him?

 

John felt like he had just being punched in the stomach. He knew he probably had said it to make an impression on her, but... he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe it was a bit true. Why would he have had to say that if it wasn’t true? He could have said so many other things. Damn, he could have talked about any absurd topic and he would have still managed to charm her. But no, he had said that.

 

He spotted Lafayette, just looking around the room, and walked up to him.

 

“Mon ami, are you okay?”

“Sure.” John felt his own voice crack, then took another glass and swallowed all of its content at once.

“No, you’re not. What’s wrong?”

He nodded at the spot where Alex and Angelica were chatting and flirting, and his friend followed his gaze and sighed.

John was used to see him flirting with girls, but this time it was different. After what he had said...

He could still hear them, even if he wished he couldn’t. It made him sick.

Then he saw Angelica taking him somewhere.

 

_And I realize three fundamental truths at the exact same time_

_Number one_

_I’m a boy in a world in which_

_My job is to provide for a family_

_My father has other sons but I’m the one_

_Who has to defend the family name_

_Cause I’m the oldest of five other children_

_And the gossip in New York City’s insidious_

_And Alexander’s a guy no less_

_Ha! That doesn’t mean I want him any less_

 

_“Where are you taking me?”_

_“I’m about to change your life.”_

_“Then by all means, lead the way.”_

 

They reached another girl. John recognized her too and his breath hitched.

 

Elizabeth Schuyler, Angelica’s sister.

 

_Number two_

_He’s after them cause they’re the Schuyler sisters,_

_that elevates his status, I’d_

_Have to be naïve to set that aside,_

_Maybe that is why he’s introduced to Eliza,_

_Now that’s his bride_

_Nice going, Laurens, he was right_

_You will never be satisfied_

_“Elizabeth Schuyler. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”_

_“Schuyler?”_

_“My sister.”_

 

Angelica was introducing him to her sister and had just told him she was “about to change his life”.

It was happening. He was being to introduced to a girl with not only the intent to flirt for an evening and then forget about each other.

 

“Laf, I need to get out of here.”

 

_“Thank you for all your service.”_

_“If it takes a war for us to meet, it will have been worth it.”_

Alex kissed her hand.

That was it.

John rushed out of the room, without even giving Lafayette time to say anything. He felt like he was about to throw up.

 

_Number three_

_I know my best friend like I know my own mind_

_You will never find anyone as loving or as kind_

_If I tell him that I want him we would have to hide_

_He’d be mine_

_We would say we’re fine_

_We’d be lying_

 

John couldn’t blame Alex. He couldn’t ask him to just be with him forever. He had to get married and have a family, like a normal person.

Their story, whatever it was, couldn’t happen. They weren’t meant to be. Two men weren’t meant to be. They couldn’t fall in love, it was wrong.

But still, it felt like there was nothing more right than them. The two of them being together. It didn’t feel wrong.

 

But he couldn’t have it. _They_ couldn’t have it.

 

_But when I fantasize at night it’s Alexander’s eyes_

_As I romanticize what might have been if I hadn’t given him up so quickly_

_At least his dear Eliza’s his bride_

_At least I keep his eyes in my life_

 

 

“To the groom!”

 

John was snapped out of his memories.

 

“To the groom! To the groom! To the groom!”

He joined his friends again.

 

“To the bride!”

 

“To the bride! To the bride! To the bride!”

He had to be happy for his friend. Alex was happy, that’s all that counted.

 

“From your sister!”

 

“Angelica! Angelica! Angelica!”

 

“Who is always by your side!”

 

“By your side! By your side!”

 

“To your union!”

 

“To the union-”

 

“To the revolution!”

He smiled at Alex, who smiled back to the three of them.

 

“And the hope that you provide!”

 

“You provide! You provide!”

This time he didn’t stop. He wasn’t gonna ruin the night to anyone.

 

“May you always!”

 

“Always!”

 

“Be satisfied!”

 

“Be satisfied! Be satisfied! Be satisfied!”

 

Everyone was standing. Angelica was hugging her sister, and the three friends walked up to Alex, who smiled brightly at them. They all hugged him, and it was John’s turn, the hug lasted a bit longer, but not too much.

They looked at each other for a second, Alex looking a little worried for him and John smiling encouragingly.

 

_And I know_

_He’ll be happy with his bride_

_And I know_

_He will never be satisfied_

_I will never be satisfied_


	2. Story Of Tonight Reprise

God, was John drunk.

 

Lafayette, Hercules, Alexander and him were going back home from the wedding, three of them being just a bit drunker than the remaining one (Alex), but John was probably the drunkest one. Because of that, Alex had decided to walk them home, not trusting his friends to reach their homes safe.

 

“I may not live to see our glory!” John started shouting.

 

“I may not live to see our glory!!” Herc and Laf joined, echoing him.

 

He decided to mock Alex a bit. He was his best friend _and_ best man. It was his duty.

 

“But I’ve seen wonders great and small!”

 

“I’ve seen wonders great and small!!”

 

“Cause if the tomcat can get married!”

 

“If Alexander can get married!!”

 

“There’s hope for our ass after all!”

 

For a moment, everything seemed back to normal, he was laughing and shouting at the top of his lungs with his friends. Okay, maybe the last thing wasn’t _that_ normal  -not unusual either- but he didn’t care. They were having fun and he felt carefree for the first time in a while.

 

“Raise a glass to freedom!” Lafayette kept on shouting.

 

“Ayy! Something you will never see again!!” Hercules and John added.

 

That didn’t hurt. At all.

 

Alex was half laughing, half face palming.

 

“No matter what she tells you!” This was all Hercules.

 

“Let’s have another round tonight!” John couldn’t agree more with his French friend.

 

“Raise a glass to the four of us!”

 

“Ay!” this time, Alex joined them too.

 

“To the newly not poor of us!” Hercules again.

 

“Woo!”

 

“We’ll tell the story of tonight!” They were all hugging Alex now.

 

“Let’s have another round-”

“Well if it isn’t Aaron Burr!” Alex interrupted John, and they all turned around, seeing, in fact, Aaron Burr. The man had a small amused grin, but he also looked a bit frightened, but maybe it was just the alcohol making John see things.

 

“Sir!”

“I didn’t think that you would make it”

“To be sure-”

“Burr!!” Lafayette and Hercules basically attacked him.

Not physically, but still.

 

Burr tried to ignore them, “I came to say congratulations-”

“Spit a verse, Burr!” Herc wasn’t gonna make it easy for him.

 

He gave up, “I see the whole gang is here-”

“You are the worst, Burr.” Laf was on the same line of thoughts with Hercules, apparently.

 

“Ignore them, congrats to you, Lieutenant Colonel, I wish I had your command instead of manning George’s journal,” Alex tried to keep the conversation going.

 

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Now, be sensible, from what I hear you’ve made yourself indispensable.”

 

“Well, well, I heard,” John interrupted because why not. It was always fun to mock Burr, “you’ve got a special someone on the side, Burr.”

 

“Is that so?!” Alex’s face lit up.

That was what he wanted to see.

 

Burr looked a bit uncomfortable now, “I should go.”

“No, these guys should go,” and he started to push them away.

 

“What?” they started complaining. Great, that turned against them. “No!”

 

“Leave us alone.”

 

“Man…” Herc managed to protest, before being pushed away along with the other two.

 

The three of them walked away, but not too much far, they wanted to wait for Alex.

John started wandering around, losing his balance now and then, thinking to himself.

 

“Mon ami, are you okay?” Laf asked, looking a bit concerned.

 

Was it that obvious? He had tried to hide it, he thought he had done a good job.

Maybe he did and it was just Laf knowing him better than that.

But if he had seen through it, then Alex must have had too. Great.

 

“Sure, I’m great!” he lied.

 

“Dude...” now Hercules too. Ugh.

 

“I’m fine. Totally fine-” he felt his own voice cracking. That happened a lot lately.

His friends kept insisting, trying to stop his wandering around. Then John snapped.

 

“I SAID I’M FINE!” he shouted. He didn’t mean to, but _oh well_ it was too late.

 

Then he saw Alex, staring at him from behind Hercules and Lafayette, who had finished talking with Burr.


	3. Wait For It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I didn’t change Wait For It from John’s POV because I liked how the lyrics (what Burr thinks) contrasts with what’s actually happening. Hope it makes sense to you as much as it does for me

“You two think you can manage to walk back home together?” Alex asked them, not breaking eye contact with John.

 

Laf and Herc lived in the same block, so they usually just walked back home together. John couldn’t discard the feeling that maybe they walked back to the _same_ house sometimes and... y’know...

 

“Uh, sure...” They shared a look for a second and left together.

 

John didn’t feel that drunk anymore.

 

“Let me walk you home-”

“No, I’m fine, I can handle it.”

“I would rather not have you pass out in the middle of the street all alone.”

“Then I won’t.”

 

He didn’t want to be alone with Alex. He couldn’t handle that. Not tonight.

 

“Please, John, I just want to make sure you’ll be fine-”

“Well I’m not!” he almost shouted again, “I’m not fine at all!”

He didn’t want to snap like that again, but he was tired of being asked how he was, especially by people who knew damn well how he felt.

 

Alex looked hurt and moved his glaze to the ground.

John sighed. “I’m sorry, I just...” he took a deep breath, “it’s not your fault, Alex, but hurts, it really does.”

 

_Love doesn’t discriminate_

_Between the sinners and the saints_

_It takes and it takes and it takes_

 

“Let me walk you home, please.” Alex was looking back to him, pleading him with his eyes.

“Okay, fine,” John gave in.

 

_And we keep loving anyway_

_We laugh and we cry_

_And we break_

_and we make our mistakes_

 

They walked side by side in silence. When they got to John’s house, Alex just stood there, looking at him right in his eyes.

 

“This one’s mine.”

“I know.”

 

Silence again.

 

_And if there’s a reason I’m by her side_

_When so many have tried_

_Then I’m willing to wait for it_

_I’m willing to wait for it_

 

“Are you going to let me go in, or...”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Alex, no-”

“Please.”

 

John sighed and let him walk in. He had to stop giving in so easily. But it was Alex. He was always helpless when it came to him.

 

He closed the door, but then shook his head. No, not this time. Not anymore.

 

“I think you should leave.”

“John-”

“No. Alex go, please.”

 

_I am the one thing in life I can control_

 

They stood there, staring at each other, for what it felt like an eternity. John could feel his breath on his face. When did they get so close?

 

“Alex that’s it. You’re married. Whatever there was between us, it has to end now.”

Those words felt like a million knives, and from the look on the other’s face, it felt the same for him too. “You have Eliza now, and she’s great, you should dedicate to her, have a family. Live normally.”

 

He really thought everything he said, but he wished he didn’t have to say it. He wished he could have what they shared forever, he wished he could have _him_ forever, but he couldn’t. They both knew they couldn’t.

 

“I don’t want to lose you, John.”

 

Dear God, Alex, don’t do that.

 

John then placed a hand on his check, softly. “I don’t want to either, but we both know this can’t go on. We have always know. You have a family now, you have to keep your reputation, and if people started talking about us, assume things... they already do it with me, and they’ll start to do the same if keep doing like this, if they haven’t already. You need to have a normal life and so do I. I’ll have to get married too at some point.”

John almost chocked on the last words. He didn’t want to. He had never been attracted to girls, but he was supposed to, and he was sure his father had already noticed a long time ago his lack of interest, and so obviously did everyone else. So he had to get married too as soon as possible.

 

They were so close to each other, he wanted to kiss Alex with every inch of his being, but he couldn’t. If he had kissed him now, he would have never let him go. It had to end it right now.

 

Alex understood. He nodded and walked back, heading for the door. Then he paused and turned back to him, “I love you, John Laurens, and I will forever.”

 

John swallowed hard and smiled weakly at him, “I love you too, Alexander Hamilton.” He had to push back the tears, and he could swear he saw Alex struggling to do it too.

 

_I am not standing still_

_I am lying in wait_

_Wait_

_Wait_

_Wait_

 

Wait. He wanted to say it. He wanted to stop Alex and kiss him until he didn’t feel the pain anymore, but he couldn’t.

_Hamilton_ _faces and endless uphill climb_

_Climb_

_Climb_

_Climb_

 

Alex walked out and closed the door behind him. John pressed his head on the door, than turned around, with his back against the hard surface, and slid down, sitting on the floor and laying his head on his knees, and started crying.

 

_He has something to prove_

_He has nothing to lose_

_Lose_

_Lose_

_Lose_

 

He didn’t know that, behind that door, on the steps that lead to his house, Alexander was sitting in the same position, crying the same tears.

 

_What is it like in his shoes?_

_Life doesn’t discriminate_

_Between the sinners and the saints_

_It takes and it takes and it takes_


End file.
